“Throughout history, the human race has adapted, evolved, to become the top of the food chain.”

Before I had seen any of the X-Men films, I remember, as a twelve year old, seeing this game in Wal-mart. It was behind a glass case, so I couldn’t even look at the back. But I had loved X-Men Legends and X-Men Legends II, so I covetously made a beeline to the video game section anytime we stopped there for an errand, where I persistently asked for the $20 to buy it. When I finally got it (for Christmas, I think), I was underwhelmed as I blew through the couple dozen short levels that comprised the entirety of the game in a couple of afternoons. Playing through it again more than a decade later, it’s even worse than I remembered.

Activision had already tried and failed to cash in on the X-Men film franchise with the release of X2: Wolverine’s Revenge. Apparently they did not learn their lesson and thought that slapping Hugh Jackman’s face on the cover of another mediocre game was a worthwhile endeavor. X-Men: The Official Game is a different kind of mediocre, but without the brand recognition of the X-Men this game would be a complete failure. The most intriguing aspect is that it tries to fill in some story elements that occur between X2 and X-Men: The Last Stand. The second most is that you get to play as a non-gimmicky version of Nightcrawler with levels designed specifically for his unique mutant powers. This element, the ability to teleport around and kick butt with Nightcrawler, is the only thing that keeps this game from being awful. Otherwise, it barely serves its function as a stop-gap between the films, as it weakly justifies changing some things and doesn’t match the tone of the films (which are kind of confused themselves, so there’s that). It’s obvious that very little time was put into developing it and after you’ve played the game for about two hours you’ve experienced pretty much all it has to offer. There’s next to no depth, the levels are short, and even the hardest difficulty is pretty much a cakewalk because the AI is dumb.

One element that has aged well is the static cutscenes. They’re essentially storyboards with voiceovers. It’s ironic because I assume developer Z-Axis chose not to use CGI due to cost constraints, but while they’re jarring at first, they’ve aged better than many mid-2000s games in this respect. You’re obviously going to watch them though because the story is the reason you bought the game. The story, for what it’s worth, has the familiar elements from the films—the death of Jean Grey, the mutant “co-exist” message, etc.—but also brings in the Silver Samurai, HYDRA, and Sentinels, none of which had appeared in the cinematic version of the X-Men at the time. The story was overseen by legendary X-Men writer Chris Claremont (The Dark Phoenix Saga) as well as Zak Penn, who wrote The Last Stand. While the story manages to serve its purpose, it also does a lot of confusing things that make much more sense in an ongoing comics series. For instance, Lady Deathstrike, whom Wolverine pumped full of boiling adamantium in X2, to the point where it was oozing out of her eye sockets, is alive! Cyclops, who basically just disappears in the film series, is likewise left adrift in the game. It’s certainly not trying to be a tight narrative, rather it is trying to feature familiar heroes and villains and give them a reason to encounter one another in battle.

You play as three characters—Iceman, Nightcrawler, and Wolverine, each with a distinct playstyle. Iceman rides on a slide of ice for all of his levels, some of which function as “open-world” battle royales while others are more like races. Nightcrawler’s levels are more like platformers, as he must teleport around and flip switches and hack computers. Wolverine’s are the most bland variety of hack-and-slash and seem to last forever. The game forces you to alternate between characters, as each has levels designed specifically for them, though there is some choice as to which order you play them in.

While the three characters are distinct from one another, the gameplay for Iceman and Wolverine is exceptionally tedious. Iceman shoots either an ice beam or snowballs from his hands, and can put up a shield for a half-second as he glides around. Wolverine has a small handful of combos, and the three enemy types he faces each require a certain attack style. You’ll figure out how to dispatch each enemy type within a couple minutes, and then still be there mashing the same two buttons twenty minutes later in the same room fighting wave after wave of them. He can also enter a rage mode that increases damages and allows you to heal. Nightcrawler is the most fun to play as his teleport mechanic is fairly unique. It is a little bit frustrating because the only way to control your teleport target is to manipulate the camera, so you often find yourself zipping around to unintended platforms. But Nightcrawler’s gameplay actually feels invigorating, only letdown by the uninspired level design.

It feels as if the developers figured out how to make a demo level for each character and then copy-pasted it until they had enough for a “full game.” The environments change from time to time, but the actual bones of the levels are annoyingly similar. Several of Wolverine’s levels consist of fighting waves of enemies in a single room. Seriously, there’s nothing to do with him other than relentless attack, and even that isn’t fun, especially when compared to X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Iceman’s levels at least have some variation, even if the situations are overly contrived. In one of his early levels, you find yourself facing off against Pyro, except, you don’t actually fight Pyro. Instead, you put out fires. When you put them out Pyro relights them. Eventually, after several rounds of this, the mission is complete.

At the very least, the game provides an explanation as to why Nightcrawler, who was introduced in the second film, is not present in the third. (In reality, it was because actor Alan Cumming was not happy about Bryan Singer temporarily abandoning the franchise and he did not enjoy spending hours and hours each day getting his makeup done.) Even when considered as part of the X-Men film franchise, X-Men: The Official Game is subpar. When considered simply as a standalone video game, it is pitiful.